Now that I’m older, losing my health

In my golden years (kazoo – toot-toot-toot-toot-toot)

Can I still be counting on some Medicare?

Or a two-tiered system – patient beware!

If I’m in need of emergency care,

Will they lock the door?

Will they still heed me, will they still treat me

When I’m eighty-four?

I could be clever, stock up on pills

Vitamins galore (kazoo – toot-toot-toot-toot-toot)

Jog a mile or so, a hundred push-ups too

Eat some bran and delicious tofu

Turn up my nose at deep apple pie

And buttered-dripping scones

Will they still heed me, will they still treat me

If I break some bones?

Send them a postcard, drop them a line

Stating point of view (kazoo – toot-toot-toot-toot-toot)

Indicate precisely what you mean to say

Else you’ll find you’re wasting away

Ask for an answer, not just a form

A citizen’s just due

Will they still heed me, will they still treat me

When I`m ninety-two?

Copyright tune: The Beatles

Adapted by Lethbridge Raging Grannies, revised Calgary 1999

Oh Dear – What can the matter be?
We’ve been attacked by the forces of gravity
Fat has appeared where we once had concavity
Nobody said life was fair.

Older men, they become more adorable
Even though their figure’s deplorable
Their physique is always insurable
With or without their grey hair.

Older women are thought unattractive
They’re shunned as if they were radioactive
They jiggle so when they become active
It’s back to the old rocking chair.

Well, these old grey mares, we ain’t what we used to be
We’ve given up on respectability
Don’t give a fig for acceptability
We’re far too awesome to care!

I’m Sixty and I’m Sexy

At least that’s what I hear

From the programs seen on TV

And the talk shows on the air.

The magazines print articles

By some Authority

All telling me, at sixty,

I’m as Sexy as can be!

I’m Seventy and Sensual

Though it really doesn’t show

Geriatric experts tell me

I’m mature and all aglow.

They say hidden wells of passion

Are just bubbling up in me

And at seventy I’ve hit my peak

Of sensuality!

I’m Eighty and I “Ought to”

There’s no time to put things off

No excuses like, “I’m breathless”

Or “Exertion makes me cough”.

For I’m told I’ve still got fires

That I didn’t know I had

And I would tell my husband but

When I wake him, he gets mad!

Now I‘m Ninety and I’m Naughty

Ant there’s nothing new to me

I’ve been having sex since sixty

And I’m tired as can be.

But I’m telling you a secret

And it’s one that you must keep

When I get to be One Hundred

I AM DARN WELL GOING TO SLEEP!

Calgary Raging Grannies 1998